Catharsis of ART

When your child doesn't make the grade

2009-11-06T13:00:00.003-05:00

Nanny Hilda called me today. She wanted to how I was doing and how I liked my new apartment. I told her it was great, pre-war so it's huge with a elevator,but that I had a really bad cold and didn't seem to be able to shake it.She quickly rattled off a few things I should do to feel better.

She said Otis had a mild cold too as do all the other kids. She has been turning down playdates,because she doesn't want it to keep being passed around. I asked how classes were going for little Otis and she said he was doing well. The classes she clarified are to teach him to share,follow instructions,listen, and respect his teachers. She laughed and said he still doesn't understand that not all kids want to wrestled,especially his girlfriend Ava.

Ah...Ava. The name Otis constantly repeats that makes even his parents wonder who this Ava is.Well Otis has a crush on her, the only thing is Otis hasn't learned how to show his affection for Ava in a positive way,so he shows in a negative way which frightens her. So when he sees her he starts calling her name runs toward her and grabs a hold to force her to notice him and tries to wrestle with her.Anna screams when he gives her a bear hug an won't let go.lol He even pinches or grabs her jacket and pulls her forcefully into his face. So they are working on a gentler form of courtship teehee. I suggested maybe a dating class for Otis to teach him that girls like to be told how nice they look and that the perfume their wearing smells fabulous. Hilda laughed and said all that talking will have to wait until he gets pass one word for everything. lol Otis isn't much in the language department yet:)

When I first heard of these classes I chuckled just like some of you,(read previous blog) But recently I read of a 3 year old who has had one on one attention and free play all his life NOT doing well in preschool. Seems the transition....well..ah, no transition is taking it's toll.

Now I think Otis' folks might be on to something. Going from a nanny full time who meets your every need and is super flexible to a structured academic atmosphere with set play times and 9 other kids is hard.

The question it raises to me is whose fault is it when your child isn't prepared for preschool or kindergarten? IME in the lower grades of elementary schools the parents always blame the school/teacher and never own their own shit. Do you pull lil Maybelle out thus starting a pattern of "if I act out enough momma will not make me do it" or do you leave her in and dedicate yourself to putting the work in to help your child catch up? Or look for a school that's a better fit *cough* kisses your kids ass *cough* sending the message to him/her that the world really does revolve around them and if they aren't happy no body will be.

What do you think?

Trick or Treat

2009-11-01T16:35:00.004-05:00

Last night i met a friend Debbie and her partner to go Trick or Treating with their kids in a local neighborhood. It was great ,not like when i was a kid but different. We went to the local businesses first who had the worst candy by far even the orange bagels i wasn't impressed with and neither were the kids.

I met Debbie at a workshop for lesbians contemplating pregnancy. She's a lesbian whose a midwife, gay married to her partner of 16 years with 2 kids. She introduced me to a profession I had always though you only contacted right before you delivered. Midwifery.I was surprised to find out Midwifes can provide most of the prenatal care that OBs do.She herself works with a group of OB's so she even has access to equip and testing if needed.

She offered to answer any questions I had after the workshop and as the weeks went by I had plenty. We run into each other occasionally and I thought of her as an acquaintance mostly. Then one sunday she was walking by a coffee shop I had grabbed a bite to eat and hot tea at. I called out to her not sure it was her. She stopped and we chatted about 30 mins and she invited me to the Rosh Hashonna after service ceremony at her synagogue.

I accepted and was enriched by the traditions of their new year. The rabbi spoke hebrew and english. The participants grew as we walked to the river to cast our sins( acorns,twigs,stones) upon the waters. They chants were of moving traditional songs in hebrew. It all was very uplifting,calming and inclusive. Debbie and I afterwards walked and talked about the Jewish churches beliefs and how she as a lesbian raising a family incorporated it all. I shared with her my christian beliefs and how I can embrace that as a lesbian intending to raise my children with some sense of spiritual foundation. It was here that she became a real friend.No longer an acquaintance.

Trick and some Treats

As we struggled to walk down the crowded sidewalks of this busy Brooklyn night memories of when I was a kid Trick or Treating in neighborhoods with streets lined with sweet gooey treats came flooding back. Wait! I noticed none of the kids were saying Trick or Treat to get some candy. They weren't using the magic words of my youth that got you extra.

"Trick or Treat ,smell my feet,give me something good to eat" echoed through the streets when I roamed the dark streets of ghost and goblins of my neighbors.These where songs to loosen those candy givers up. What did they do to Halloween? Sounds like an episode for Charlie Brown and the GREAT PUMPKIN. This is the first year i missed watching that on teevee. Certain shows just go along with my memories of celebrating like "It's a Wonderful Life" at Christmas.

Debbie's partner and I filled the spaces in time of doorways with lights off (no candy) talking about our pet peeves. She had some good ones.People who rush to get on the train before you get off.People pushing a stroller who run into someone they know on the sidewalk and stop right in the middle of the sidewalk blocking the whole thing. And last but major in our books....people who don't curb their dog.UGH!!!!! How do you know this? Guess....

Some Brownstoners go all out. There was a haunted house ridged up in the basement of one place with scary enough creatures adults came out shaken.lol then the light show of a glow in the dark puppet that sings to a operatic number playing in the background. It was creative and took 3 people dressed in black to pull it off.Nice!

Then later a short walk away a parade that was...ah...um short,but something extra:)I think some adults thought it was Mardi Gras instead with all the skin showing.lol However, it was nice to see some adults with elaborate family friendly costumes that showed their own child like Halloween spirit.

The night came to a close early imo for this childless adult. Debbie had to feed the kids and pick up the pizza first so we went our separate ways. Me off into the Brooklyn night to find my own adult halloween celebration that was just kicking off at 9pm.

What do you remember from your childhood. Trick or Treat? Favorite and least favorite goodies?

Commenting problem has been resolved

2009-10-29T15:42:00.001-04:00

I hope.

Mother stereotypes

2009-10-17T12:49:00.010-04:00

For years the lesbian community has been dogged by stereotypes of what a dyke looks like. Some of us ,including myself, have gone unnoticed and in some instances ridiculed because we don't LOOK gay enough. How do the clothes I wear and the cut of my hair have anything to do with my love for women?

Now I'm reading a blog A Real Mom Attends the Motherhood Movie Premier that says that moms have a certain "look" too. They don't color or highlight their hair,nor do they wear the latest chic hair style or high heel shoes like actress/mom Uma Thurman. Who'd a thunk it?

Instead they wear sensible shoes *yawn*,soap instead of labia titillating perfume. Their clothes supposedly isn't tailored to fit their firm but robust breast or show off the curves of their perfectly round but understated ass. Her hair cut doesn't show that strong prominent jaw line or those oh so sexy eyes accented by just the right shades of eye shadow,eyeliner and mascara. Nor do her lushes full lips glisten with the moist application of lipstick or lip gloss.No she has never use Lady Clairol to accentuate the brilliant bold colors of auburn that has been littered by premature greying. No it appears real moms are drab,boring,limp haired women who breastfeed,change diapers,cook dinner and clean up puke all day.And there clothes reflect this.

I think I can see myself running speedily home to the latter rather than the tattered remains of the former.

In Amy Sohns novel Prospect Park West which takes place in a part of Brooklyn i loosely call my hood. Amy has ruffled some feathers amongst the local moms as she pokes fun at several Park Slope Stereotypes. Recently, in an interview with Park Slope Reader,which i just happen to pick up right after reading Lo.ui.se Sl.oa.ns blog, Sohn says that it's the most publicly annoying moms that we see[ I'll add with the bad ass kids].The granola/attachment,baby-wearing,co-op shopping and having lots of babies less than two years apart,being all about the children.... In reality,Park Slope mothers are more diverse than that she says. She does think though that Park Slope Mothers don't take care of themselves aesthetically as well as they should but thinks that is simply for no other reason than lack of time and when she says it,it sounds less like a judgement than an observation. Again,like Shakespeare's Fool, she talks about "The Bra Problem" we have in Park Slope and that we should spend the time and the money to get properly fitted.

And here i was thinking that the dishevel haggard moms i see in The Slope look that way because after making that high ass Park Slope rent every month these moms don't have enough left in the family budget to buy new well fitted clothes.

Perhaps Lo.ui.se Sl.oa.n has let her hood influence her perception of what moms should look like too much.Maybe she should cut the makers of Motherhood some slack as they don't live in the Slope and have a different idea of what mothers look like. Then maybe she would get more out of the 113.00 dollars she paid for a much needed time away from the kid.

And maybe then she would realize that some of us think it's important to keep our selves up to keep our lady friend/partner/wifey interested. Cuz maybe just maybe we won't then fall into yet another lesbian stereotype of the serial monogamist.Ugh!

Jus keeping real luvs!

Toddlers interviewing for preschool?

2009-10-08T13:13:00.009-04:00

About 2 months ago i started up a conversation one day with a nanny from one of the local neighborhoods. Her name is Hilda and she's from Trinidad. She has a wonderful sense of humor and wise in the skill of raising babies. Knowledge she got hands on after 22 years of taking care of children in NYC. She reminds me of my grandmother so our conversations are reminiscent of the days when i chatted with my grandmother on her front porch as she tried to pass on her wisdom from just living life.

So in the next coming days i would make it a point to pass by the spots i knew i would run into Hilda and her other nanny pals.Over the weeks i got to know all the kids by name and them me.I enjoy playing with them and seeing what makes each one tick. While evenings clicked away i also spent my well calculated time asking question after question about newborns and toddler raising.How did they handle certain situations and what did they do for ailments like colic.

Eventually all the nannies gave me their cel phone numbers so i could call and locate them any time i felt up for some raising kids talk. You see it's not just about makin'em and bakin'em it's about raisin'em too and simply squeezing one out of your vagina doesn't automatically anoite you with the wisdom to properly raise a kid without fucking him or her up.

Over the past 2 weeks the nannies have been no where to be found. Not in the meadow,the local playground or coffee house,so i called Hilda this am to see what's up with everyone. She of course asked how i was doing and had i located a rent stabilized apt yet to save some money. I told her that i missed seeing her and the nannies and the kids and wanted to find out had they moved to a different location .She said, no and that all the kids (2.5 yrs old)were in class now. I said "class?....for what?".

She went on to tell me that all the kids in our little bunch started art ,music ,science,reading and yoga classes last week. She said that her boy Otis was preparing to be interviewed for a spot in Ploy Prep in December. His mother went there and she wants him to go there too. All the kids are being prepared for such interviews and will continue with classes until march of next year. "Oh", i said and asked her what exactly do the kids get from these classes that is needed to give a excellent interview. Hilda said she didn't know,so i asked if one day i could tag along with her or the other nannies to see what knowledge is being gleaned in these classes that makes little johnny the perfect candidate for a fancy preschool.

Psst...I hate to tell Otis this but his getting into Poly Prep isn't going to be about him giving a good interview. It'll be because his mom is and alumni and his folks can right that big ass check to pay his tuition to go.That's what makes the perfect interviewee:)

In the meantime i guess i better find out whose ass i need to kiss to get my little Willamina and Jethro in Poly Prep. Or maybe they have a special grant *wink* *wink* for those of us whose mom or baba aren't alumni and can boost the minority quota a bit on all counts. Is anybody remembering the Bette and Tina episode of trying to get Angelica in the hottest preschool.lol

*I forgot someone. Mike and his son larry. Mike tends bar at night so he takes care of his son during the day while his wife was at work. He too hung out with our gang as his son is the same age as the others. I wonder what Mike is doing with his son since all of his playmates are being groomed to be over achievers? I hope i run into him to get an answer to that question. I don't want to assume he and his wife can't afford the classes the others are taking or private preschool,but i wonder.

What does the future hold.........

2009-10-03T12:48:00.006-04:00

Callie over at Creating motherhood challenged her readers to see what Saturn has in store for each of us.Now let's see if this stuff is true......I'll know at the end of the month.

Dates to Note for Virgo:

Friends, fun, and events to attend should be plentiful October 1-15.

Best romantic evenings: October 5-6, 9 (gold star), 10, 14, 16, 20, 23-24, and 28-29.

Attend to a financial matter: October 4, plus or minus four days. [check!]

Ask for a raise just after the new moon October 18, but prior to Saturn's arrival in your house of earned income October 29.

A home-or-family-related matter should do well October 9 and 10. [check!]

An outstanding day for you: October 20, for any matter. It's lucky. [where?]

When Mars moves through Leo from October 16 to June 7, 2010, you may closet yourself away to concentrate on a project that needs a great deal of concentration, research, and quiet. You may write a book, for example, or get ready for a big exam. [really?]

You may have a great deal of interaction with medical or dental personnel during the same period, October 16, 2009 to June 7, 2010. This may be for you to tune up physically or mentally, or for a family member or friend whom you will be helping. [ must have been for someone else lol]

Your health should improve enormously after Saturn leaves Virgo on October 29. Your outlook and spirit should improve, too.

Peppermint schnaps

2009-10-03T11:56:00.004-04:00

That's what i thought of when i saw that Z&Z over at ttp://zeebahzazieandthezoo.blogspot.com/ twin babies girls all decked out in hot pick and white.

Congratulations ladies!

My Mood and the Weather

2009-10-01T18:53:00.003-04:00

Today was another grey gloomy Brooklyn day. For some reason my mood and wether i feel like i can move mountains and soar with eagles is directly affected by the weather. It's lonlier on these days or at least it feels like it.

This morning i slept in and found it hard to get out of bed and into the cold air of my apartment. I stayed under the covers and checked my email for important news from a host of projects i"m working on. I have to fight that urge to stay in bed all day. We know where that goes.Once up i made phone calls,took a hot shower,fixed breakfast and decided what was pressing i needed to accomplish today. The answer to that question was lots,but lots that depend on other people and that's the frustrating part. Waiting for others to go along with my plans for what i need to get done.

Then of course each task is dependent one another task and thus all are connected to each other. Whew!! October first and what did i actually complete on this dreary cold day. Nothing.

Tomorrows another day tho and i hope the weather is better,because i need the inspiraton to keep going to climb these mountains of delays and challenges.

You're not perfect and that's okay!

2009-09-13T13:08:00.004-04:00

I have been in the need of some new books to read. After reading The Other Mother and The Perfect Donor by A.iz.ley i needed a breather from the drama of TTC. I thought I'd venture away from ttc books and concentrate on what motherhood is like or can be like. The first of 4 books i checked out of the local library[ I'm frugal like that] is Judith Warner's "Pe.rfe.ct Ma.dn.ess". And not 15 pages into this book i came across a paragraph which basically described what I've seen happening amongst the Single Moms by Choice[see previous blog rant]. The pressure to be perfect at all cost. Here's and excerpt:

"

I was angered by the continued onslaught of press reports about the pernicious
effects of day care,and the continual beating-up on working mothers. I found the
pressure to breastfeed for at least a year,to endure natural childbirth, and to
tolerate the boundary breakdowns of "attachment
parenting"-baby-wearing,co-sleeping,longterm breastfeeding and the rest of it-
cruelly insensitive to mothers' needs as adult women. And I was amazed by the
fact that the women around me didn't seem to find their lives strange. It
appeared normal to them that motherhood should be fraught with anxiety and guilt
and exhaustion. It didn't seem to dawn on anyone that there could be another
way. I was shocked by the degree to which everyone-feminist or not-seemed
willing to accept the "choices" given them,even to accept the idea that the
narrow paths they'd been forced into living were choices."

The age thing.....AGEISM

2009-09-11T14:16:00.007-04:00

She said that all though they have clients of all ages that they work with they have found that their younger clients tend to not really be at that settling down stage and they want to avoid matching them with those who are. I smile really big,right. I ask her how old she thinks i am and she says 31 or 32. I burst out laughing with tears rolling down my face. I pulled out my drivers license between the tears/laughter and suggested she look at the birth date on it. She quickly apologized and said "but oh it's a good thing you look so young". i said i thought so too until i moved to NYC. [more on this later]

So here we are later. The whole your too young to be serious thing with the matchmaker got me thinking and brought up some frustrations i have experienced this year. People having preconceived notions about your age based on visuals and proceeding to treat you based on that age.I'm guilty too maybe and am publicly owning my shit so to speak.

Earlier this year i went to a dinner party. Mainly i looked forward to the company of conversation with living breathing humans lesbian beings. I found myself attracted to a woman that didn't fit my past "like" interest and it scared me to death. It wasn't a normal attraction ,if past attractions constitute as normal,it was very different. It's like as she got closer to my physical location on our first meeting my insides started to heat up. The closer she got the hotter my insides got.,so i spent the whole evening staying on the opposite side of the room from her. The reason i was not welcoming to this new phenomenon? Grey hair. She had a ton of grey hair and based on that i thought for sure she was 54 or 55 years old. And you know I'm in the baby making zone so that old lady wasn't babymama material as far as i was concerned. Even if i carried the pups would she being old and such want to be bothered with a litter of brats i thought.

The night ended and i grabbed my coat to leave. I had successfully avoid this woman all night,until i got the door that is. She stopped me with her words of "it was nice meeting you". And i like a deer caught in headlights couldn't move. I said something back to her to be polite,but my insides were heating up again and my hand although holding on to the handle of the door couldn't turn the knob. I wondered if she could see the sweat beading up on my forehead.My bangs were wet and droplets were trickling down my back. I was on fire and no one knew it but me. She say something else i don't know what my brain or ears couldn't figure it out. Somewhere in seeing her lips move and hearing what sounded like words she paused. She paused, just long enough for me to say it was nice meeting you too, i yanked the door open and flew down the stairs and then outside to the freezing cold of a Brooklyn winter night.

I tore my coat off and dress jacket to reveal a soaked shirt as i walked briskly down the sidewalk to the bus stop. My first thought was i hope i don't catch pneumonia and die as a result of all this and my second was there is no way in hell I'm attracted to some 55 year old woman and my therapist is going to have to fix this. No way buddy. i placed the emergency call to request a session.

We had our session in which she encouraged me to ask this woman out. It took me a month to do it as my therapist said what if she's the real one.At least i didn't go on about some physical attribute of this woman. It appeared to be more of an energy exchange that i needed to investigate. A month later i did and she say NO.

Now i wonder if she said no because she too thought i was too young as i thought she was to old? A young chap who was unfamiliar with the dicipleship of the vaginal order. By the way i found out she was only 44 yrs old? Ageism is a two edged sword.

Fast forward to Brooklyn Pride. And older gay man was a volunteer and we struck up a conversation. He wanted to show me the street festival goings on as i had never been to one since coming to NYC,so as we walked along Prospect Park West he explained the foods the different vendors were serving and which ones had the potential for botulism.lol Oh joy! For some reason he asked me what kind of woman I was interested in dating. I jokingly asked if he has some stashed in his pocket or something that he would pull out if i answered the right way.lol He laughed also and said no he just wondered. I said someone who doesn't think Crocs are everyday wear."A sense of humor too"he said and "I seemed to be pretty wise about relationships for someone so young". There it was again. I asked him how old he thought i was and he said 27 or 28. I chuckled some more thanked him for the compliment and finished my nachos as we walked by to the kids space.

I was referenced to a family of educators that needed a babysitter a few evenings a week. I'm free and they live close to me,so i call the mom to set up and interview refering to her friend who told me about the job. I get there and she was none too enthused about my getting the job. I offered my drivers license ,because there are kids involved and i wanted to be upfront about my identity and such. She looks at my drivers license and says "you look older on your drivers license". Huh? Older than what i said to myself. Three days later the mother sent me an email saying that her old babysitter made them aware that she was free to help with the girls and that she thought her girls would respond better to someone older. WTF??

So now i am paranoid that I'm being discriminated against ,because I'm too young and might not know about it in some instances. That youthful look i thought would be a blessing when i turn 60 has turned into a curse of sorts. Should i walk about with my birth date written on my forehead or something?

Why do we put so much stock in percieved age. The fertility industry too makes too much of it only to have antrial follicle counts blow that out of the water for some women.

The MatchMaker part II (updated 10/21/09)

2009-09-11T13:24:00.009-04:00

I arrived slightly late for my 5pm appt with the counselor at the matchmaking service. The Asian that i was assigned to meet was stunning to say the least and very personable. We went into her office and sat and started to talk about the application she needed me to fill out and what her goal was for the proceeding conversation or session.

She was very thorough in how she guided the conversation and allowed time for me to come up with truthful answers to her questions,especially the hard ones on a more personal level such as why do i think previous relationships didn't work. She asked about my year in NYC and where and what i had done to meet they type of woman i would be interested and methodically revealed what i wasn't interested in lol. we talked about values and religious preferences if any and what family life looked like to me.

Then the conversation went more toward what kind of person would she be. Her temperament,social awareness,occupation,hobbies. My expectations about how she would interact with my interest and how i would treat her even if i didn't like some of them. I guess that's where the psychological part of personalities was studied closer. Am i extremely romantic or not. Does she have to shower me with gifts and flowers all the time or do i think those things are a total waste of time and money[that's how the question read].

All in all it was a very pleasant experience and i would recommend them to others who are serious and really want to be matched based on as much honestly revealed info as possible. I was surprised to find out that they do work with HIV clients although most are gay men. I brought my latest health clearances to show i was good in that area and to also emphasize i wanted a woman who was ass conscientious of her health as well. As far as outward appearance they only asked a few questions such as body type and ethnicity. That's it and she explained why. They are more interested in matching clients from the inside out rather than vice verse,because they feel that's why most relationships don't work . Too my focus on visual and not enough focus on the heart and all those deal breakers. Bingo!!! I agree and have been guilty of that myself,but what else is there when your in a lesbian bar,etc.

There was only on thing that bothered me,but not too too much. Initially before she asked for the vitals of picture id,etc. to verify i was who i said i was she kept saying that they were only interested in those who were serious about long term monogamous relationships. That's the same thing the other woman repeated over and over,so i asked her why she was telling me that again. She said that all though they have clients of all ages that they work with they have found that their younger clients tend to not really be at that settling down stage and they want to avoid matching them with those who are. I smile really big,right. I ask her how old she thinks i am and she says 31 or 32. I burst out laughing with tears rolling down my face. I pulled out my drivers license between the tears/laughter and suggested she look at the birth date on it. She quickly apologized and said "but oh it's a good thing you look so young". i said i thought so too until i moved to NYC. [more on this later]

The price SHIZDAM!!! Good god it's alot. I know this is NEW YORK CITY but please so much? Of course i did what my granny always told us to do. She said never let anyone know you can't afford anything. You simply say "Oh is that all?" So i said "oh is that all"...she was flattered that i thought it would be more.lol Ferchristsakes as Keely @ Schroedinger's Womb blog would say, i am tempted to request some peeks at these women who not only can pay that much ,but are willing to pay that much.

My BFF told me to look at it this way if they have that kind of money they are gainfully employed enough for me to be a SAHM (2) she's serious about marriage and kids (3) less likely to play games (4) checks out medically for STD"S HIV (5) Knows all your character flaws ahead of time (6) will work hard for a healthy relationship. There was just a lot of positives about going forward with this. But IVF isn't cheap and unless money falls in my lap for the matchmaker all funds are tied up in my babybatter fund.

***Update(10/21/09)_thanks to one of my fellow bloggers who reminded me i hadn't updated this blog.
About a week after this manna did fall from heaven and i was able to contract the service.Happy Birthday to me! The counselor snapped a few photos and i was officially turned over to the matching department. Three days later the matching dept called and requested a few candid shots of me which i dropped in the mail the next day. Since then C who has been assigned to me has called in the late evenings so we could chat and he could get some clarification on my answers to some of their questions. unfortunately this past thurs i turned down two that he want to pass by me simply because they lived too far. I explained to him that although all most parts of NYC is reachable by train or bus i didn't want either of us to spend gobs of time on MTA just to spend 30 mins with each other. Nor did i want to resort to hours upon hours on the phone like we were in teenagers either.

Thanks to Shroedinger's Womb for this article.......http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/18/realestate/18cov.html?scp=7&sq=long%20distance&st=cse but honey better those couples than me.lol

Professional same-sex matchmaker

2009-09-10T13:45:00.006-04:00

Well today is the day that could change my life for the better. teehee At least that's what I'm telling myself. We've all watched the shows on Teevee. The millionaire matchmaker and so on. Now it my turn,why not out source something I've had no luck at doing myself. They're the professionals and do this for a living,so i hope I've placed myself in good hands.

I'm optimistic from my conversation on the phone with the woman who initially set up the appt. She must have said 10 times that they were interested in those gay women who wanted a long-term monogamous relationship. Over and over she sounded like a broken record,but i appreciate it ,i know beyond a shadow of doubt what their goal is. It's the same as mine.

I figure it'll be like ordering a pizza...." I want the works,hold the anchovies and extra jalapenos please ma'am". The counselor, who is a psychologist ,and i will sit down and chat life girlfriends . I'll be brutally honest about what i want in a woman as well as my own short comings then she'll say "you know you should me such and such".lol A friend hooking another friend up! That's how most of us met our gf most of the time right. Only this friend gets moola to make sure we are compatible in the most important places......those darn deal breakers.

We Are Borg. We Will Assimilate You. Resistance Is Futile!"

2009-09-08T14:43:00.036-04:00

Over the Labor day weekend as i thought about my previous blog a phrase from my Star trek days popped in my head. We Are Borg. We Will Assimilate You. Resistance Is Futile!" said the human/robot extensions of this big block of metal waste from civilization destroyed long ago.

When i was in college i and a group of others were big Star Trek TNG fans. We met at someones apartment and munched out and commented out loud about what was going on in that particular episode. We went to the conventions and *whisper* collected the cards, and holograms.That's where i met my college sweetheart Deanna Troi. Damn that was one good looking woman. I knew that her bouffant was mostly hair extensions and prayed they would give her a boob job:D Then Worf. He was the man....... butt head and all. Klingons rule!!!

Anyhoo that's how i think of the official SMC listserv that i frequent for single moms/wannabe moms. Then as i was reading through my blog roll i came across my latest addition http://firsttimesecondtime.blogspot.com/ Lynn was talking about her experience as a non-nursing parent. She went on about how queer families feel this pressure to "be perfect" [single mothers do too]. She felt like she had to do everything the right way to prove she wasn't messing up the kid[single moms too],since somewhere in there a part of her thought she shouldn't have a kid at all. The pressure manifested it self in obsessing over making sure her daughter never got one tiny drop of formula. As i read her blog i kept nodding my head agreeing with everything she said. I have read the same angst from single moms as well which prompted the subject of this blog. I'm going to cover the different topics that i have seen discussed by single women and the out of control pressures they face with each.

First there is breastfeeding: I want to breastfeed simply because it's there and it's free why not save some coin give the babe all those antibodies. The topic of breastfeeding comes up often on the official SMC listserv and women ask for advice from not enough milk production to sore breast and the advice comes forth. Most of it is helpful but the fury starts if a mom post that she might be giving up breastfeeding for formula! Egads!!! FORMULA....... out of the woodwork all the breastfeeding lobbyist(nursing nazi) post. The latest was a new moms who posted in distress. You could tell that she was in a panic,really upset and basically falling apart. She had taken her baby to the DR and they told her that her baby had lost two pounds. They pumped her breast and found out she wasn't producing enough,only 2 ounces they said and because of that the baby wasn't getting enough nutrition so his body had shifted in the starvation mode.

I immediately felt panic. Why was she online asking advice about breastfeeding if her baby was "starving"? I refrained from saying a word ,because when you haven't squeezed anything out of your vajanus those that have feel like you should shut up and have no opinion. You would think someone would have said get thee to the grocery store,but you know what they did what lobbyist do push their own agenda. They said she should pump to bring her milk in more. Drink more water and fluids. Call a lactation consultant. On and on. Did they not read the part where the kid was starving. Damn! What's wrong with her giving formula while she waits for her milk to come in? I waited and read and it was the formula feeders vs the breast feeders and the breast feeders were feeling the heat. And then finally like a ray of sunshine through the clouds and woman told the story of how her boyfriend had died in a motorcycle accident and the last conversation they had was about her obsessing over breastfeeding. She said that he said that formula was not the enemy. Finally i said to myself. A sane voice in the house to let this new mom off the hook and feed her child.

This isn't the first time i've seen the two warring factions scuffle over breast milk and formula. It happens often and i always wonder why. Why do these breast feeders fell the need to push breast feeding? Do they get some type of compensation from the breast pump companies for recruiting others? What's going on that they have so much time on their hands to sit and post a rebuttal to every formula post. Needless to say the moms who continue to get infected breast,plugged ducts and a whole host of problems end up quiting anyway with only memories of how unpleasant the whole experience was because they didn't feel they could not breastfeed.

Weaning would fall under the category of things to argue over as well. Some woman said "We Americans" always feel this need to wean our babies when we are not suppose to. HUH? First i took offense to her we Americans crap. secondly i pointed out to her that even in nature moms wean their babies when they get a full set of teeth to eat solids with. i mean really look at mommies in nature... they kick at,get up, run off when a baby tries to nurse past the time they should. imo it's the first step toward preparing the baby to live on it's own. It's only us silly humans that insist on hanging on to babyhood and delaying the control breastfeeding gives us over the child. Mothers compete with how long they've been breastfeeding. One mom boast that she has been feeding her child 2 years 8 months 9 days and 29 seconds. And another said she is still breast feeding her son and he just left out the door to go to his first day in kinder garden.[slightly exaggerated] Why? Why does a child that old need to be breastfed ? Surely there can't be enough nutritional value past one year and how about the pressure for single moms to get other things done unless of course you can afford a full time nanny. Then you can sit around all the time while the kids sucks your tits dry. The best advice one single mom gave to a mom whose twin was self weaning is "In reality, nursing is for the babies needs but when you do it so long i think it becomes mistakenly intertwined with the mom's needs (since you don't "need" to nurse but rather enjoy doing it)."

Then there is the whole cloth diaper vs disposable diaper. I was interested in the cloth diapers even though my experience raising my sister who wore them when she was a baby was horrible. The cute little names like Bum Genius just sort of pull you into the cute baby wear market and makes you want to give it a try anyway. What could be cuter than a tushie all decked out in a decorative diaper cover with some personalized touches? i use to think this before the cloth diaper lobbyist.

These lobbyist show up anytime somebody ask a question about cloth diapers i even had my own question and i posted it. How much time do they take to laundry when so much already needs to be done after work that takes away quality time with the kid? And what about the smell from the pail as you collect the soiled ones. The soaking to get the poop out. There were some good responses and then there were the pushy ones. The ones who turned the whole discussion into a promotion for cloth diapers and saving the environment. Someone asked if the cost of a diaper service did away with the savings of not using disposables. A valid question i thought,but that was blown off as not important. On and on the lobbyist went with one woman getting so frustrated by any mention of the disadvantages of cloth diapers she started coping and pasting the same response to each post.LOL i guess she had come undone i suppose as the song says.

C-section vs vaginal birth: i always thought I'd give birth in a birthing center in a hospital. I wanted the drugs near by just in case i couldn't deal with the pain any more,because for sure i would have somewhere with me who wouldn't pressure me to endure more than i could. Well then it was said on the official SMC listserv that vaginal birth was a natural birth. First thing i said was now women will take that as gospel and resist the suggestion of doctors to do c-section and risk there lives and the child's. In this instance the natural birth mom to be didn't rally the vaginal birth posse. They seemed to fizzle out once it was brought up that permanent brain damage,internal bleeding and a whole host of things can cause a single mom to loose that child she worked so hard to get. Like the women in the news who refused a c-section and the state was taking her child away. I only glanced at the story and don't know the details,but what would possess a woman to deny medical help that is available when evidence shows the child is in distress.

Then the money issue. For as long as i have been doing my homework on the whole becoming a single mom by choice i have had my qualms about can i afford to give my child(ren) the kind of life i want to. Over and over i have been told and i hear others being told that money is not important it's the love you have for a your child and it'll all work out. To that i say BULLSHIT! Have these women been to a grocery store lately? Each time a Thinkers ask about money it's down played and the encouragers "don't worry be happy about the money" lobbyist start in. No one ever ask questions about (1)credit card debt,(2)savings, (3)own or rent, (4)family friend support (financially,physically),(5)job security. No one ask these questions to accurately help a thinker find out if she should make some changes or wait a tad bit longer.
I've never told a woman she can't do it,but I'm not stupid enough nor will i blindly tell her she can either. Because if she fell on hard times i would feel obligated to give her money or help with the baby and that's not what i want on my conscious. On the official SMC listserv women are encouraged to be the poor money handlers we've always been. Why do you think Suze Orman has geared her whole career toward helping women become wiser handling their money. And i am really appalled when a woman making 6 figures a year tell another thinker who makes 2.00 and hour that the money isn't important. How dare she? If she wants to give out that advice i suggest she get out her check book and give that thinker a blank check in case she actually can't afford a child.
There was a thinker by the name of tamsen. Where you are tamsen in NYC bless you! tamsen very articulately gave her reasons for not going forth with getting pregnant. All the encouragers and their fantasy ideas tried to talk her into it still,so Tamsen replied back and broke it down for them[ listed above] and thanked them for their words. i was mostly touched by her response to a woman who said there were plenty of families in NYC who had less and they raised kids with no problem. Tamsen said that yes there are plenty of families in NYC who raise lots of kids on less,but those families have a support system of aunts,uncles,sisters,brother,cousins,grandparents to help financially and physically with the kids and she doesn't have that. I immediately thought to myself "thank God she got away". She had a good head on her shoulders and stood up for the reality of motherhood and i will add no mother wants to see her child go without either. I thanked tamsen for her response and encouraged her to not put the idea of children too far away as thing can change very fast and her jewelery business could take out and make her a millionaire over night.

Oh did i forget government assistance is suggested as a viable means of supporting a child if by working you cannot. Yes people WIC as one woman boasted at her new discovery is for SMCs
she said . Quit your job go on welfare so you can be that stay at home mom you always wanted to be had your plan A worked out. And medicaid is the plan to have, because as one woman put it it had few medical interventions at all when she had her kid.Much better than your employers paid insurance plans with way toooo many unnecessary procedures and such.

Well since when did welfare become glamorous and pleasurable? My sisters and i went from our own room to the a share room in the projects after my parents divorced. instead of nights listening to crickets like before we would listen to gun shots,police sirens and men hauling ass pass our bedroom window. Only to play our invented game of find the blood stain on the ground as we walked to school to confirm what went on the night before. Even this single mom by choice NOT affiliated with the national group can tell you welfare is no picnic..... http://rachelbk.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/my-reactions/

Sadly, because of feeling like i don't get a choice i have completely been turned off by all these single mom lobbyist who insist that single moms do things the way they want them done. They SPOILED it all.I'm not going to raise my children by the books I'm going to raise them by what works. If it's old school that's okay,but old school worked didn't it and none of us are worse for the wear. I don't want to reinvent the wheel i just want to enjoy my kid(s).Instead of the official SMC listserv helping me become comfortable with the whole process I've been pushed in the opposite direction of single motherhood.I want a partner to do this with more than ever and I'm going to hire a professional matchmaking service to help me find her.

My BFF Sue in Little Rock asked me why don't i leave this group alone and i tell her because i feel obligated. Obligated to be there to tell the woman i spoke to a month ago that it was okay that she was still on the fence and that she could stay there as long as she liked. She grabbed mt neck and kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear "male thank you for saying that, i needed to hear it". The woman who is concerned about breastfeeding that she doesn't have to and hear her reply,"I don't?" as if she didn't know that. And the woman who wants to go out with a man on a date[they ask permission can you believe?],but feels she is betraying her single mom by choice status. I told her to go for it,wear her prettiest outfit and her sexiest smelling perfume and enjoy herself. She deserved it. Evidently she didn't know that either.

The Ethical and Moral dilema of TTC

2009-09-03T13:00:00.018-04:00

This quandary I have thought about often during the one and half years I've delve into the world of TTC. As I've read women's journies and listen to their stories I have asked myself and some have asked also ,when is enough enough and when should a twing of ethical and moral concerns be paramount?

On one of the single moms boards i visit and read and join in sometimes a women posted that she was contemplating TTC,but she had an autoimmune disease. One by one other women pregnant or who had given birth replied on the boards that they too had autoimmune diseases although none named their version of it. I also noticed that none publicly asked her the name of hers and to what extent it affected her everyday life. I didn't say anything,because i knew i would quickly be chastised for judging this woman and some how infringing upon her right to reproduce.

A few days ago this same woman posted that she was going to put her TTC plans on the back burner for 6 months because her disease had flared up and she was in so much pain she went into her doctors office to plead for pain meds to deal. She went on to give a run down of her very complicated medication routine and how the addition of this new med, which she will be on for the rest of her life, is not recommended while pregnant. However, she was willing to come off it just long enough to get pregnant,although her doctor told her that it would flare up again and pregnancy might throw it into over drive, and get back on it after the birth. WTH!!!!

I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I emailed her privately and suggested that she look into adoption,because i had concerns that the hereditary factor of her disease would affect the quality of life for her child and that that was unfair to him/her. I went on to say that the amount of meds she was only couldn't be good for a fetus in utero either. I don't want to hear that *if* the child was in danger the doctors wouldn't treat her. Yeh,right! Like they are the moral conscious of the world. Blech!

Now i will admit i was cutting her some slack,because honestly this disease from her description causes her alot of pain when it flares up and she doesn't know when this is going to happen. How could she take care of a infant,toddler or small child who is totally dependent on her for care when she is so helpless herself .HOW?? i wonder. And why was no one else concerned about these same things?

Well guess what the next day ms thang put me on blast on the boards and said how offended she was that she came to the online "community" to get support for what SHE WANTED TO DO only to have me DISCOURAGE her. Like somebody fucking hired me to specifically encourage and that was my job no matter the circumstances. She went on to say that the community is suppose to help women who want to GIVE BIRTH. Like there isn't a living breathing human being on the end of that giving birth. What is she giving birth to a water melon, tomato, orange?

I loaded both barrels and this is what i said:

"My conscious is absolutely clear and i stand by my response/opinion to your PUBLIC request for thoughts. If you don't want to hear an opinion that is not along the lines of what you consider encouragement than you should say so. Or simply say only those who agree with my plans need to respond. As you say we are a "community" of single women who want to be moms ,but that's not at the expense of the children who will call us mama.

We owe them the best quality of life possible that's why there is such a heavy emphasis on donor family health history and genetic screening so we can make informed decisions.And that's not only about health, but the care and general welfare of the child ,which can be more challenging as a single parent."

There was more i wanted to say ,but i had to tone it down as i didn't want to crush her desire ,but to redirect it more toward a concern for the child than just her desire to squeeze something out.

So in comes my question. When do we draw the line in the sand of support when we feel the child's welfare is not being considered enough.After all donor eggs was an option for this woman,but still to carry and take care of is an issue imo. At least with adoption social services would thoroughly check out if she has made arrangements for care when she is debilitated or can afford to hire 24/7 assistance for the kid.

In addition to this latest issue i have another that's bothered me for a longtime. When do you tell a women it's time to stop? Or are we just robotically suppose to encourage and encourage no matter what until she is so broke she doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of?These online communities make it so too easy for Tom ,Dick and Mary to NOT be held accountable for the advice they give both bad or potentially bad. After IUI number 110 they can tell you to try yet another RE then get up from their computer,turn it off and walk away to get a sandwich without a second thought. The TTCer might be living in a hovel by then. That's the advantage a couple have over single moms a partner that might be more practical and less emotional and can say it's time to step back and reaccess or stop the journey. One TOB i asked the question of how do you know when it's time to start? That was my first question after observing for the first to weeks on this board marathon TTC'ers. The answer finally came up during a discussion on this topic. There is no stopping point. The advice given was that it is a numbers game and sometimes persistance pays off. *scratches head* So in other words you embrace the hope addiction fully until your are too broke to pay or dead. having that baby in your arms justifies whatever it took to get it. Alrighty then. Ack!

**Update...another woman with CP wants to know if anyone has ever suported a child on just disability income and if her medicaid would pay for fertility treatment as she would use DE of course. I almost fell out of my chair. I worked a fulltime job dealing with ass holes all day having money taken out of my paycheck to pay Aetna for health insurance. And since day one had to call Aetna every month to see if their fertility coverage had gotten any better. Then on top of that piss and moan to the powers that be at my corp that the fertility coverage was shitty in light of their waving their gay flag of domestic partner benefits and this woman is trying to give birth on my taxes dollars. BY the way which are fewer dollars because i'm single and get taxed to death. [* spoke to my BFF over the labor day weekend who, after she recovered from being speechless at this story ,reminded me this is the exact same mindset as "octomom". She too felt like it was societies responsibility to support all those kids she had. NOT!]

NO one responded and then one wise woman asked her how could she take care of a child when her recieving disability clearly says she is not physically able to work. THANK YOu madame.

Then another do-gooder told her that no caregiver provided by the state to take care of her will take care of her baby too and no medicaid doesn't pay for infertility. However, she lost my vote when she said "Eveyone has the right to be a mother" at the end. Huh? So privately i sent her this.....

You say that as if that[Eveyone has the right to be a mother] right supercedes all the childs rights. And by that i mean a child has the right to :

(1) A quality of life that isn't plagued by sickness,disease,pills,powders and potions to get through the day.

(2)A right to safe,clean,responsible care both from a medical stand point and everyday parenting they can count on.

(3)To be afforded access to advance themselves so as to be self sufficient and productive members of society. That includes education and a few perks to nurter interest and talents.

It is NOT anyones(mother/father) right to decided their child CAN be supported throughout it's life by my and others tax dollars.

Life isn't always fair and adults need to realize that.

The Creature known as Mankind

2009-08-05T13:23:00.005-04:00

August 5th made my first year anniversary of living in NY. I use the word living loosely as i don't feel like I am actually living. Why? It's because i am still unsettled about life here and haven't been able to put down roots....by way of real friendships i guess.

I'm sitting at the main public library now. A place i have visited alot since moving to Brooklyn 5 months ago and instead of it feeling like a freeing place for my intellectual spirit i always feel disgusted and repulsed. It's such a huge inviting place with computer rooms divided by departments on each floor. Books ,books and more books.Dvds,workshops, special events.

Everytime i come just for solitude,quiet and to reassure myself that Brooklyn can be my home i am annoyed by another patron.The mentally disturbed who this city allows to walk free and unsupervised. Ugh!!! The ones who talk and laugh loudly as if they are in their own living room. Cel phones constantly going off with their owners in no hurry to shut it off. Actually most answer it and proceed to have a conversation. They are always oblivious to everyone else within earshot as we all look around at each other and wonder WTF!

The Nose pickers who eat their findings.The flatulous ones who let it rip with not so much as an apology or attempt to move away from people to smell up the place.

Today i was on the second floor using the computer and a young black girl sat beside me to use the vacant one. It wouldn't load the settings so she asked the white librarian for help. The librarian came over and proceeded to reboot the computer to see if that would solve the problem. While she was standing there the black guy on the other side of the station told her she was too close to his space and to move. She wasn't! She explained to him that she wasn't in his area and that she was trying to help the young lady get the computer working.He again raised his voice and told her to move.She told him that if he didn't top harassing her that she would call security. He told her to do that then.

When the system came back up the young girl sat down. The black guy turned and spat toward her with a glob that was big enough to make a sound when it hit the floor. The girl looked at him and said " i know you just didn't do that?" He said nothing. The other patrons sitting near by gasp and voiced their disgust. My stomach turned and I felt nauseous......

After i logged off i went up to the desk to make sure the security person had been called and he had. I added my two cents to confirm the events that had transpired and decided to use the computers on the third floor instead.

Why are these people so anti social in every way imaginable???? They seem to have total contempt for each other,sometimes a long racial lines too. Was this guy spitting in that direction symbolic of his spitting on the librarians whiteness? I think so. Why? Because she has the job he doesn't qualify for and couldn't"t handle if he did.?Or maybe her and her kind are to blame for everything gone wrong in his life as a black male in America?Maybe he is of the mindset that no woman has authority over him in any way shape or form.

I witnessed a parking confrontation while sitting on a bench at Prospect Park. A black guy and his SO pulled up in their car to park. There were 3 slots available and he proceeded to pull in and park in a way to save a spot for another vehicle. As he was in the process of doing this a non white woman pulled up on the side of him to back into the spot behind him. There was enough room. His SO gets out of the car and tells her she can't park there ,because they were going to park there. The non white woman then tells her that there was enough room for both of them to park and still have one space left over. The black woman jumps back in the SUV and tells the black guy to backup and don't let this lady in. I and a latino family of 5 sitting on the stone wall behind me were floored. Why so hateful? Why so nasty when there is plenty for everyone? Why the racial slurs from the Black guy when he is clearly in the wrong. To make a long story short the cops showed up and the latino wife (from the wall)showed the officiers ,she was asked what she saw,the video of the whole thing captured on her cel phone. The black driver started calling her and her whole family the "N" word and proceeded to try to get me to back them up. I didn't. They mouthed off about how i needed to stick with my own kind as it was clearly racism TO THEM. WTF!

I don't know. For as much as there are those civilized ,kind individuals in Brooklyn/NYC there are those few whose behavior is so outrageous they make me rethink often if I want to raise kids here. I don't want my kids to be filled with such hate for other people. Even when they are done wrong I want them to be slow to retaliate and anger. Within reason tho.

I spoke to a lesbian midwife on this subject at a workshop where she was the guest speaker on lesbian motherhood. She told me that children often take on the temperment of their parents and that my children would mimick my behavior and pull away from those who exhibit behavior contrary to what I and my partner show them. I'm still not convinced this is the case.

Finally my first RE appointment

2009-07-25T12:38:00.006-04:00

It took months to decide which of three Fert. clinics to use and even longer to figure out which doc to see,but with the help of another SMC who coincidentally had used all three I made a decision. I cancelled the other two appts and waited a month for this guy. I hope I continue to feel good about him and his Mini IVF protocol. His girl Jessica in the insurance department knows her shit and I really like that. Althought I already knew what my insurance covered and how much ,when etc.

Monday is the big day and i have my list of questions all written out as well as what I expect from him. Wednesday is our bi-weekly dinner of a small group(7) of SMCs in Manhattan who are thinkers and doers. Three took the plunge two weeks ago and i can't wait to hear what their beta results are. The last dinner was great! Very laid back and the individual dishes was served on a table cloth placed in the middle of us on the floor.Before we knew it it was 10pm all had to rush to leave, because of work the next morning. All of us Brooklyn girls road the train back together continuing the awesome conversation and sharing our plans for the weekend.

I better get crackin to come up with a yummy TTC friendly dish to take for my offering to the pot luck. Hummmmm...should I buy it are risk their lives by cooking something.lol

***Mr. friendly prescribed YAZ,50 mg of clomid and Prenate Elite..oh boy!

Ladies night in!!

2009-07-22T19:01:00.008-04:00

Next Wednesday is the second meeting of my little group of Single Mothers by Choice thinkers and doers. We all attended a woman's in the West Village invitation to join her for some girl talk. Except this girl talk revolved around wanting to be a mom and all the fears or not of becoming one. How we got to this place in our lives and what we are doing to move forward before it's too late.

The first one was GREAT imo. I arrived on time and was greeted by one other member as she chatted with our host making pasta in the kitchen. Each potential mom showed up with her contribution to the dinner in hand and joined us around the entrance to the kitchen. It was relaxed and cozy.Some sat in chairs,on the chaise or floor.We sipped wine and talked about our week so far. Turns out that 3 of the six had just had their first insems that day. Wow!! I was excited for them that they were free to waste no time.

Our hostess asked if we didn't want to pull out the dining room table from the wall so we all could have seats and we said no( LOL..i already had a chair) just put a table cloth on the floor in the middle of where we are now ,put the dishes of food down as well and we'll have a 70"s groovy type sit in on the floor. Again it was great. The conversation flowed as we talked about why we each chose the method of ART we have and that apprehension we have about each. Those that had their RE appt that morning took us threw the whole day up until after the deed was done.

The one thing I hope I am always careful to do is respect others choices as far as what and how they want to go through to get pregnant. If asked my opinion i give it.I don't think one of the ladies showed me that courtesy. I said I was doing IVF and she quickly pointed out how evasive it is. She said "do you know how evasive that is"? Uh..um.. I probably know more about ART than anyone in that room. Anyway I ignored her comments and questions and focused on answering the questions of the less aggressive ladies that expressed their curiosity about why IVF. (1) I want FOUR kids. Embies on ice to be transferred to me or my wife later makes that possible (2) It's the most cost effective method out there. (3) It's has the highest success rate . (4) You have more control over the whole process and don't have to wonder whether the sperm fertilized the egg yet,etc. How many embies are put into play. And what your egg quality is.When i finished talking a few said "oh well yeah IVF is best for what you want". THANK YOU! Now had the pushy one taken a deep breath before coming after me she would found out the rational reasons behind that decision. Instead she came off as an arrogant ass. Although that's not the first time she has.lol

Anyhoo after the ice cream and CRUMBS cupcakes someone noticed the time.We were shocked that time had flown by and it was 10pm. Everyone scrambled to their feet packed leftovers to take home and suggested we contact each other during the week to perhaps build a stronger support system. One girl from London is hosting the next gathering at her apt in the Village also. I'll be staying in touch for the POAS reports.

I can't wait until Wednesday!

Too afraid to be happy!

2009-07-22T18:48:00.005-04:00

I still read my blog roll and June was the month for lost of pregnancies ,including twins. Unfortunately July was the month for losing one of those twins and in some cases the pregnancy. It's sad to watch couples hopeful and elated when they get that BFP,even if it's only at home on a HPT. Their blogs go from bitching with frustration to tears of joy at finally getting to their destination. But then it ends in a miscarriage or news that there is no heartbeat of yolk. Poof!!!! it's gone just that quick.

That's the reason I cringe when the celebration starts so soon,because I know what can happen. I know that doesn't sound like Faith and I'm struggling to find a comfy place in my faith,but protect my heart from the grief of a loss. Do I and my partner keep it to ourselves and a few close friends or just between us? Of course once people find out later some might be pissed that they weren't important enough for you to share the news with them.

My partner [when i get one]and I may be so old that we have no choice but to weep tears of joy because we finally got entered in the race period. The chance to qualify with a bun in the oven might our biggest hurdle although I'm praying that the holy spirit blesses us with the fertility of a 20 year old with our sweet beans sticking and staying full term. God we both would have waited so long for each other let alone the gift of birth children.

I'll work on a way to release the joy of pregnancy and eliminate the fear that it won't last.

Parenting Partnerships

2009-07-09T13:16:00.006-04:00

I attended my third parenting partnership support group at the Center last night. I was late because of work,but i was happy to see a good turn out of gay men and one lesbian couple. I got the reminder email the day before:

The couple of the night were a lesbian couple from upstate NY and a gay couple from Manhattan. All were from other countries and thus spoke with a variety of accents. They explained how it took them a year to finally feel comfortable to go ahead with the pregnancy. Only one dad used his sperm although the non-bio dad is a full participant in raising the twin girls. Child care was alternated between them when the guys would drive up on the weekends and assume full childcare responsibilities giving the two moms with couples time and time off to themselves.

Those in attendance had the chance to ask questions of the four as usual with the same knuckle head asking the bio dad if he understood what signing off his parental rights meant. That jackass ask every gay dad who donated the sperm the same damn question at every meeting. I can't decide if this guy is trying to shake their resolve and start some shit within the family or he is just a moron. No wonder he hasn't been asked to father anyone's kid.

After the meeting was over I stayed around to help cleanup and chat with a few people. Just to find out a little more about how they came to the desicion to explore co-parenting. Still don't know if this is the path i should be taking are not ,but I'm learning a lot about what we are going through to build our families.

Offending friends

2009-07-07T11:37:00.013-04:00

On one of my ttc boards a woman posted about how she was told off by another woman she thought was a good friend. She was having a bad day because a incident with some dude shook her whole resolve to being a SMC. She says she was desperate and decided to call a mutual friend of theirs to talk about the situation even though they hadn't talked in months[sound familiar?] They weren't close friends but she has gone to the woman's house for social occasions, but since this woman got pregnant the SMC has been staying away.

Interaction within the realm of the TTC world is strange to say the least. There are all these cliques of women who gather together because theya re all in teh same "stage" of motherhood. Why? Why can't women just be friends because you make each other laugh or like the same movies or frequent the same coffee shop. Since when this did all this turn into a sorority of sorts wehre there are the popular girls [ preg or trying to get there]against the not so popular ones[ confrimed IF or waiting,delayed,on break].

There always seems to be a price of admission or as one dyke noted a password to get into certain lesbian circles. It's a real shame because we have to fight so hard as it is to not just be tolerated,but to be respected and valued. And then we marginalize within our own group in an area so sensitive,emotional and sometimes heart breaking as TTC.

I suggested that this woman share with the woman she refers to as a friend about what her journey has been on the TTC road. The 4 miscarriages,debt and the doubt that she will ever carry fullterm. I said that maybe then her friend would understand why she stayed away when this woman got pregnant again with baby number 3. Although she too had had a miscarriage before number 3 made it to the 2 tri.Hopefully extenting herself and opening up to this woman might patch things up and they can find a different way to interact that doesn't make her childlessness more pronounced.

There are times when women can connect with each other on an emotional level and then there are times when those emotions can be used for pure evil as in to hurt each other.

The now pregnant again after a miscarriage woman sent back a ugly email giving the SMC a piece of her mind and accused her of using her. Furthermore she ordered her to stay away from her family.Well being an already fragile emotional ship wreck from her own 3 miscarriages and looming diagnosis as infertile, the single mom fail apart. Why doesn't this woman understand how she feels ,especially as she too has had a miscarriage?

My question too is why don't women in the process understand. Too treat each other so shabbily during a time when we should be banding together and lending a shoulder or ear to listen. Story after story poured onto the board about how unkind these women walking the ttc tight wire have been treated by others going through the same process. From the stigma of being a unwed mother to being a gay unwed mother the arrows come from every direction.

I too have a story. A story of being over joyed to find a message board where i could talk freely about wanting to become a mother lol four times over. To be amongst gay women,most coupled, at that and not to be told to shut up or there goes another activist. I couldn't wait to bond with these women. Spend our days,weeks months forging friendships that would stand the test of time while our kids were birthed,played together and graduated school together. That's what i envisioned when i entered the blog sphere of lezmoms.

That's not what i found though. What I found was a small society that categorizes you based on whether you have a partner or not. Thus my exodus to single moms by choice. Then there is the separation of those who are actively going through the process from those who aren't or have chosen to take a break. What? Has there desire to nurter a child diminished because they need to step back for while? Why does there friendship lose it's value? Even if that couple or single person never birth to a squirrel they are still human beings that need the companionship of others and shouldn't be pushed aside because things don't go as planned. Or aren't on such and suches time clock. Gods timing isn't always mans timing for things. oh yeah and what about those who choose to adopt? I'm sure they'll be sent into exile as their child wasn't born of their womb.

I've always had friends with a multitude of differences amongst them. I hated sororities and exclusive clubs when I was growing up because they always made someone somewhere feel unwanted and alone. We as women need to get back to that place when we laughed together and grew old together. ["The Women of Brooster Place" comes to mind]When one of us hurts we all should hurt and continue to keep our arms wrapped around and embracing that broken heart. Inclusions is what we've worked for in the gay community for years. Let's just include amazing women......

The advice given the SMC who obviously wasn't clear on her level of friendship with the pregnant woman was given simply advice by me and the others. And that was to reach out to this woman who might have felt alone and abandoned by her when her grief forced her to keep away. Tell her what morning feels like for a mother after 3 miscarriages and maybe the two of them can comfort each others in their place of so much pain. Apologize for not knowing that her presence was needed and for letting her down. Then leave it to the one who felt abandoned to respond in kind.

Ya-Ya Motherhood

2009-07-02T16:40:00.006-04:00

I met with a group of women who responded to an invited for SMC. There I met a group of very independent attractive women some who had already had one child by choice and lots of others like me contemplating it.

The conversation was stimulating and real. The thinkers or post thinkers openly talked about their fears and the challenge of just going to gatherings hosted by the concept of becoming a single mom. I am with them. I have my doubts still as to whether this is the path I am to take. There are questions I still don't know the answers to and I don't think anyone but God himself can lay it all out for me.

Do i have the right to give a child only me? No extended family as they don't agree are support my sexuality or becoming a mother this way.

One woman decided to reach out only to those of us thinking or engaged in the process. She sent out a private invitation to meet for pot luck at her place. It brought to mind the Ya-ya sisterhood movie/book. Back in the day woman would naturally gravitate towards each other forming social groups that built friendships that would last decades. I remember those days those ladies became my and my sisters "aunts". Not related by blood ,but related by a bond. And unshakable bond that lasted divorce,moves out of state,death of spouses and maturing of babies.

I read an article in a magazine that says these groups exist in the big city. I'm surprised with how cut throat it all seems to be. But alas someone took initiative and made herself vulnerable to a bunch of other vulnerables.

Brooklyn Pride

2009-06-18T14:49:00.010-04:00

I have been looking forward to Brooklyn Pride all the years I was planing the move to NY. I didn't want the crazy Pride with drunken nakedness,etc. ,but a Pride with a HUGE gathering of gays and their allies. I was dissapointed.

The turn out was weak in my opinion.With as many gays who live in Brooklyn and the other Boroughs I thought the place would be swarming with them. Instead lots of heteros enjoying a day in the park ignoring the message and devouring the freebies:( Three protesters made themselves known,but mostly everyone was into all the food/apparel vendors lining the streets.

I volunteered to help hoping to meet other queers from the area and I did. They were very down to earth,hard working people wh0 fell short on the entertainment side of the street fest[ which was a better discription]. There were a few queer mommies and daddies there with kids in tow,but much less than I know ARE in the Brooklyn area. I don't know why because it was definately kid friendly all the way around.Even the adult entertainment was watered down and bored me to tears.lol I told them next year I would help and maybe if things were better organized there would be more substance than this year and MORE volunteers than this year.

Some say it was the weather. Others say because most queers are over Pride or wait for the Manhattan version. Still others say there is too much of a time gap between the street festival part and the beginning of the parade itself.

I was invited to come back and meet a couple of lez families @ 7pm to watch the parade down 7th av in Park Slope. We must have gotten there early as it didn't start on time and it was ho hum. No bang at all. We strolled back to the south side of Park slope to their house to pick up one wife and head on over to dinner at a local diner. Now that part was nice. Talking with the wives and watching the kids [some bio,some adopted]keep them on their toes>lol Hearing every ones story of how they ended up in Brooklyn and what inspired them to go through with building their families despite society and sometimes the queer communities negative opinion on it. Oh and it's true. ....No one in NYC is from NYC.

School will be out at the end of June so I asked one of the moms if she might be interested in conducting some type of weekend event through the summer for the queer families kids in the Park. There were some gay couples who had just moved to area and needed ways to meet the other queer families. Something for little kids who didn't need moms or dads to help. Maybe arts and crafts!

Retreating from cyberspace...

2009-06-04T20:44:00.013-04:00

When i first came up with the name of this blog it was after listening to an author of a book i really enjoyed [not on baby making]being interviewed on why she became a writer. That's when I decided that maybe having a place to put down my thoughts would be a good thing ,cathartic .....to relieve the stress of everyday living. Bouncing ideas off the universe so to speak as I tried to make desicions about things including motherhood.

ART was meant as a aformation that writing is one of the ARTS used to express ones self. Like painting,film making,music,dance etc.I had no idea that in the fertility world it meant Assisted Reproductive Techniques. I had no intention of blogging about that part of my life soley or was I convinced that once insemination started that it would be this long agonizing journey that I would need blog after blog to vent in. Yet I felt pressured to blog about it and still more pressure to start the process when things weren't in place that I feel need to be. Needless to say my blogs have been few and far between and are diluted with blogs that ....yes.....pretain to dating and other things that are part of where *I* am as a single gay women.

Wether others who read here think they have been some how cheated or mislead into thinking this blog should only be about baby making I don't apologize,because I never said it would be. However, I've been thinking it may be time to take it down or come back under another title. Starting fresh with my RE appt in the fall and perhaps going private as to keep it personal as it is in the first place. The trick is how to do it so that it doesn't require so much upkeep on my part. I hate password protected blogs. It's like we have to ask and wait to see if we are "worthy" of peeking into THAT part of someone's life. If you are you get the passcode ,if you're not you don't and should you fall out of good graces with the host ,for whatever stupid reason,they secretly change the passcode and don't inform you. Too much! Hmmmm....do i need the acknowledgement with comments that anyone reads it? No,not really. I could just keep all the comments blocked from public view all to myself. I think there's a feature for that.

Then there's the degree of privacy.What about the relationship? Do I or don't I blog about that? The pregnancy itself and subsiquent baby(ies)? I guess I could just play it by ear and do what's best for the family.

So much to think about and for me that means 10 years out lol.GAWD! How do i harness this brain of mind?

Maybe i'll just blog and leave them as drafts until i feel comfortable publishing them or not. Hmmm....idea!

NEW YORK STATE ASSEMBLY APPROVES GAY MARRIAGE!

2009-05-14T13:13:00.000-04:00

A vote of 89 (including 5 Republicans!) to 52 has passed in the New York State Assembly in favor of gay marriage! The vote now goes to the Senate. Contact your senators, keep your fingers crossed and New York might become the sixth state to approve gay marriage!

Build it and they will come or MAYBE NOT!

2009-04-20T11:22:00.009-04:00

I awoke in the middle of the night last night with building a village on my mind. Last year when I mentioned my apprehension about becoming a single mom and online a lesbian acquaintance out in Seattle said to me "build your village child". I thought it best to heed her advice and as soon as I moved to NYC I put it in to action.

I was invited to join a group of lesbian couples I'd met on a online baby listserv. They met once a month in the Village and I was excited that this could be the beginnings of building that Village as the women in Seattle suggested. I showed up faithfully and always looked forward to spending time with gay women who knew what it was like to urn motherhood and finding a one true love. In between meetings I tried to arrange meet ups over coffee,tea a quick lunch. No one took me up on that offer any of the times I put myself out there in friendship.5 months later they kicked me to the curb. I wasn't progressing fast enough in putting my ducks in a row BEFORE inseminating.

Then there were the meet up groups on meetup.com. Social groups and dating groups designed to get lesbians together on one accord with the same interest in mind. The women were great .Smart ,articulate,professional. They leader of the groups would suggest swapping phone numbers so members could do things together outside of what was planned for the entire group.Again I was diligent in staying contact by email and phone. They'd want to go to Jersey or Manhattan all the time.Spending godly amounts of money like single "I'm not playing on getting pregnant" women in NYC do. Movies no one ever heard of and dinners out to vegan eateries simply because the organizer felt we all should give up meat. lol

Then there were the dating organizers like Deeperdating.com and lavenderlounge.com. Sort of the speed dating version ,but with more throughout questions that revolved more cultural interest. I never hit it off with anyone,but I was open to friendships and at 25 to 35 bucks a pop I should have at least gotten a buddy out of it.

The LGBT center..ahhh..the place were all the gays hang out. I scoured the events calender every month and wrote down the things I wanted to go to and participate in. The room was silent with very little interact from others there. A question here and comment there and at 8:00 it was over and everyone went back to their respective boroughs. Meeting after meeting. Support group after support group the same thing Nothing along contact OUTSIDE the meetings never materialized.

Then I was invite to single QUEER moms by choice.. Hurrah! Gay women who are and want to be moms. We met we ate. The following Saturday there was a break in the weather. It was sunny, temps were warm and I couldn't dream of letting that day pass without soaking up some sunshine and fresh outdoor air. I emailed all the mommies from the dinner and suggested they bring their kids out to frolick in the local park, snack on packed treats and get a little muddy for kids sake.No response! Nothing. Except from one mom Monday morning who apologized that she was out of town ,but it sounded like it would have been blast.

I've been reading alot of books on the subject of being single mom.Reluctantly,but curious enough to try all windows and doors to what my next move should be. And each and everyone reinforces BUILDING A NETWORK OF SUPPORT. I understand and have tried as anyone can see up above. Morrissette even lived in NYC for 12 years when she became a single mom. However, I must say that the NYC she experienced and the standoffish,distant one I am experiencing are two different cities all together.

Still others would say turn to the church. The church can be your support or village to help you raise a child. I'll tell you about my resent experience with the CHURCH. I responded to an ad selling used furniture[gotta keep overhead down to save for IVF]. Upon responding to the ad I noticed it was the same woman I bought an air mattress from in the fall. She joked about needing money for diapers. I made arrangements to see the furniture and showed up on time to be welcomed into a studio apt that was a mess and her 2 yr old son walking around with no diaper on. To make a long story short I left an hour later really concerned about whether was enough food or diapers for the kid. I asked for advice from someone who suggested call child protective services. That was too much for me afterall I just wanted her to get help if she needed it not loose her kid, because she fell on hard times.Plus, karma's a bitch and I wouldn't want that done to me.

The next day I decided to go to the local church next door to her building[ in an afluent brooklyn neighborhood] and ask them to look in on her and call me with a update. This was the Thursday before Easter. That following Wednesday I stopped back by the church on my way to the train. The head of the women's group who I spoke to recognized me and and offered a weak ass explanation as to why she hadn't called me or gone over to check on the women and her son. She said "they were looking into the best way to go about it" patted me on the shoulder and escorted me to the door.They were about to close. So to some it up in layman's terms...don't expect the church to support you in any way unless you've already paid for it ahead of time in your tithe and offering.Otherwise they don't give a shit!

Lastly,I joined SingleMoms by Choice,the national organization.Mostly, because I felt I should have been able to offer that single mom something or somewhere to find resources for herself. For sure she would not have had the membership fee to join herself,so I did. I'm not sure what I'll get out of it.Perhaps I can warm up slowly to the idea of doing this alone without the fear kicking in all the time and my stomach doing flip flops resulting in massive nausea . I'll put forth the effort to make friends in my division....The thinkers.And leave the more accomplished who are moms alone. I get the distinct feeling they're not all that gongho on us single types with no kids hanging around theirs. Seems the price of admission in this whole I want to be a mom thing is an embryo at any stage other than non-existent. Otherwise it's .."get lost you looser".

I don't know. It just seems that I don't fit in anywhere. The single lesbian for lifer's don't want you around talking about commitment, mortgages and babies. The couples are afraid their partner will accidentally stumble and fall on top of you thus breaking up their happy home. The couples with kids just don't know how to relate to you at all.And the single moms with kids think maybe your an uncover pedophile looking for your next victum. All in all your still on the outside always looking in. At a distance that is.

Building it isn't as easy for some.

Support for Pay......Nanny's are plentiful here. Lots of single moms , married moms use them,but lets say you a single mom and need one more than the hours your at work. Morressette emphasises "me' time so mommie doesn't ring little johnnies neck. That means a nanny after 5 pm [time and a half]and sometimes on the weekends too. Overall it's going to cost a mint to purchase a support system until your kid(s) as a single mom start school. It's either just go crazy or go broke.Hold on !I think I'm getting nauseous again.

Oh wait! What happened to the lesbian community? With community being the operative word.