I was invited to join a group of lesbian couples I'd met on a online baby listserv. They met once a month in the Village and I was excited that this could be the beginnings of building that Village as the women in Seattle suggested. I showed up faithfully and always looked forward to spending time with gay women who knew what it was like to urn motherhood and finding a one true love. In between meetings I tried to arrange meet ups over coffee,tea a quick lunch. No one took me up on that offer any of the times I put myself out there in friendship.5 months later they kicked me to the curb. I wasn't progressing fast enough in putting my ducks in a row BEFORE inseminating.
Then there were the meet up groups on meetup.com. Social groups and dating groups designed to get lesbians together on one accord with the same interest in mind. The women were great .Smart ,articulate,professional. They leader of the groups would suggest swapping phone numbers so members could do things together outside of what was planned for the entire group.Again I was diligent in staying contact by email and phone. They'd want to go to Jersey or Manhattan all the time.Spending godly amounts of money like single "I'm not playing on getting pregnant" women in NYC do. Movies no one ever heard of and dinners out to vegan eateries simply because the organizer felt we all should give up meat. lol
Then there were the dating organizers like Deeperdating.com and lavenderlounge.com. Sort of the speed dating version ,but with more throughout questions that revolved more cultural interest. I never hit it off with anyone,but I was open to friendships and at 25 to 35 bucks a pop I should have at least gotten a buddy out of it.
The LGBT center..ahhh..the place were all the gays hang out. I scoured the events calender every month and wrote down the things I wanted to go to and participate in. The room was silent with very little interact from others there. A question here and comment there and at 8:00 it was over and everyone went back to their respective boroughs. Meeting after meeting. Support group after support group the same thing Nothing along contact OUTSIDE the meetings never materialized.
Then I was invite to single QUEER moms by choice.. Hurrah! Gay women who are and want to be moms. We met we ate. The following Saturday there was a break in the weather. It was sunny, temps were warm and I couldn't dream of letting that day pass without soaking up some sunshine and fresh outdoor air. I emailed all the mommies from the dinner and suggested they bring their kids out to frolick in the local park, snack on packed treats and get a little muddy for kids sake.No response! Nothing. Except from one mom Monday morning who apologized that she was out of town ,but it sounded like it would have been blast.
I've been reading alot of books on the subject of being single mom.Reluctantly,but curious enough to try all windows and doors to what my next move should be. And each and everyone reinforces BUILDING A NETWORK OF SUPPORT. I understand and have tried as anyone can see up above. Morrissette even lived in NYC for 12 years when she became a single mom. However, I must say that the NYC she experienced and the standoffish,distant one I am experiencing are two different cities all together.
Still others would say turn to the church. The church can be your support or village to help you raise a child. I'll tell you about my resent experience with the CHURCH. I responded to an ad selling used furniture[gotta keep overhead down to save for IVF]. Upon responding to the ad I noticed it was the same woman I bought an air mattress from in the fall. She joked about needing money for diapers. I made arrangements to see the furniture and showed up on time to be welcomed into a studio apt that was a mess and her 2 yr old son walking around with no diaper on. To make a long story short I left an hour later really concerned about whether was enough food or diapers for the kid. I asked for advice from someone who suggested call child protective services. That was too much for me afterall I just wanted her to get help if she needed it not loose her kid, because she fell on hard times.Plus, karma's a bitch and I wouldn't want that done to me.
The next day I decided to go to the local church next door to her building[ in an afluent brooklyn neighborhood] and ask them to look in on her and call me with a update. This was the Thursday before Easter. That following Wednesday I stopped back by the church on my way to the train. The head of the women's group who I spoke to recognized me and and offered a weak ass explanation as to why she hadn't called me or gone over to check on the women and her son. She said "they were looking into the best way to go about it" patted me on the shoulder and escorted me to the door.They were about to close. So to some it up in layman's terms...don't expect the church to support you in any way unless you've already paid for it ahead of time in your tithe and offering.Otherwise they don't give a shit!
Lastly,I joined SingleMoms by Choice,the national organization.Mostly, because I felt I should have been able to offer that single mom something or somewhere to find resources for herself. For sure she would not have had the membership fee to join herself,so I did. I'm not sure what I'll get out of it.Perhaps I can warm up slowly to the idea of doing this alone without the fear kicking in all the time and my stomach doing flip flops resulting in massive nausea . I'll put forth the effort to make friends in my division....The thinkers.And leave the more accomplished who are moms alone. I get the distinct feeling they're not all that gongho on us single types with no kids hanging around theirs. Seems the price of admission in this whole I want to be a mom thing is an embryo at any stage other than non-existent. Otherwise it's .."get lost you looser".
I don't know. It just seems that I don't fit in anywhere. The single lesbian for lifer's don't want you around talking about commitment, mortgages and babies. The couples are afraid their partner will accidentally stumble and fall on top of you thus breaking up their happy home. The couples with kids just don't know how to relate to you at all.And the single moms with kids think maybe your an uncover pedophile looking for your next victum. All in all your still on the outside always looking in. At a distance that is.
Building it isn't as easy for some.
Support for Pay......Nanny's are plentiful here. Lots of single moms , married moms use them,but lets say you a single mom and need one more than the hours your at work. Morressette emphasises "me' time so mommie doesn't ring little johnnies neck. That means a nanny after 5 pm [time and a half]and sometimes on the weekends too. Overall it's going to cost a mint to purchase a support system until your kid(s) as a single mom start school. It's either just go crazy or go broke.Hold on !I think I'm getting nauseous again.
Oh wait! What happened to the lesbian community? With community being the operative word.
2 comments:
Sounds like you've given it your all. Put yourself out there.
Sorry it's not easier. Maybe you're trying too hard.
What about work ? Network. Find people through people you already know.
KJ I'm naturally a introvert and bit shy. Over the years I've concentrated on changing that,so my answer to your question of do I think I'm trying too hard is "yes I'm always working hard to interact with people.
Work is a bust.I have absolutely nothing in common with them.They think reading a good book is boring and don't talk about politics.They don't have a clue.
"Find people through people you already know".lol I don't know anybody.
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